Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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