...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
