and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
