i will never coherently bang her
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
