OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize