There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I supernannyed him into submission
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
