So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
