I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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