He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
