I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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