The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
