The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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