After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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