I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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