Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
