So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Randomize
