I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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