no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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