Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
