I'm lost and stupid without you.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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