to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
