I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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