The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
