I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
