It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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