Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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