i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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