Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
