Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
