I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
