All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
