This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
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This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
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It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?