So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
