I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
