He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
