It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The feeling are messing with the penis
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
