We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
