I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
