We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
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