You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
