he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
