Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
