Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
