I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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