So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
