Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
