you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
