I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
