Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
there's paper in my vomit.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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