my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
