I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
