everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
