I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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