I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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