I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
