went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
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