she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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