He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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