Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
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