I smell stomach acid.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
