Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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