If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
